Fed Up

I don't know if I'm supposed to be flattered, annoyed or insulted whenever a long-time family friend finally musters his courage to tell me that he had feelings for me some years back.  This had happened too many times I've lost count. Thing is, I feel sorry for their wives. Why the heck are they telling me this when they've been married for a long time and have two or four kids in tow?

Geez. Cut me some slack. Good thing, I never thought of them as anything more than "older brothers", whom I never had, being the eldest. This fact had saved them a lot of awkwardness that they might feel after their confession.

What really bites is this: why do I have to know, only now, after waiting for more than a decade, that the person I had loved back then, really wanted to marry me? Why do I have to learn, just now, that he couldn't fight for me but wanted to and ended up hurting me instead to "save" me from pain? 

Ok, I don't regret my decision of not saying "Yes" when he came back and asked me to marry him. And I'm happy that he finally got married and it was an affirmation that being with him is not the future I wanted. But why am I ranting? 

I'm ranting because of the lost chances. Not just mine but, for all those who were scared and walked away. Those who never tried to fight for me. Damn it. I've seen them all again this weekend and I tried to picture myself, living parallel lives, the what-if-I-ended-up-with-him game in my head which lasted for some seconds, and me finally realizing, deep-down, that even if I had longed to be with someone, it could never have worked with them.

I'm ranting because I have to wait for another chance. I'm impatient, and yet, I'm still too hurt and vulnerable to trust and love again. Aye, this stupid paradox. I'm too sick and tired of waiting, pretending to be strong and acting as if nothing happened. Sick of being told I'm awesome and yet I'm never enough. Sick of always being cheated on or lied to. Sick of being the victim. Sick of always being on the losing end. Sick and tired of always caring and understanding, when no one else even cares to ask if I'm ok. 

Will someone be bold enough to take off my mask and embrace my faults? Either that or I jump off a high tower.