Embracing Pain

For someone who badly needs a hug, tonight was just awkward. Sure, it's the first time that I met a really long-time online friend and it would be normal to give him a friendly hug. I think he sensed this apprehension although I was really my bubbly and very accommodating self--but with a little mask on.

Ok, maybe there's this unwritten code of respect that I want him to feel especially since I know that his gf is also on my fb list, though we're not really close. I'm not even the slightest attracted to my friend, his brother, yes, ages ago, but, now he has a gf, too--but why can't I hug him? 

What's wrong with me?!!!?! I got myself some homemade cookies he baked himself and the calligraphy set that I requested (and my gift for passing one of my exams) but, the best reaction (genuine, of course) that I gave were my eyes lighting up and really smiling and thanking him for the pasalubong. 

For someone who's used to giving big, tight hugs, I'm disappointed with myself.

Am I this scarred? Am I this scared? Damn, this is my long-time buddy! And I'm crying now because I know that this impediment will crop up in my upcoming exam. I don't know if I could wriggle my way out of a shrink or the diagnostic test that would determine if I'm going to be fit to work for the job of my dreams. I'm crying, too, because I never knew how hurt I was until now. How much I've been keeping this pain for so long, how long I've been pretending that I'm ok. 

I need to heal faster. I need to forget completely. I need to get over this. And hopefully, next time, my muscles will be ready to hug again, just like when I forced myself to practice writing in cursive everyday. Just like when I learned how to ride a bike. Every bruise was a badge knowing that I would be able to pedal myself in a new city soon. If I went through all that, I know I could train myself to wrap myself around another person without feeling numb or feeling awkward or feeling the pain.