Minuit

I can't sleep. I need to be up in a few hours, but, I can't will my mind to shutdown. I need to talk to someone. I want to talk to my bestfriend who's awake at the other side of the world, but, I feel like our conversation would turn into an argument and I'm the jerk for ranting about wanting to quit my teaching job.

The only thing that irritates me so much is that after agreeing to rectify the grades of my graduate students, compromising my syllabus to cater to what they want and what they could only learn, I'm still seen as the bad guy. 

I had placed myself in their shoes. Check. I asked questions if they have further questions. Check. I am willing to lower my standards. Check. I asked them directly for feedback or complaints. Check. Then why the heck are they complaining that I'm too strict?

I hate it when other people think that I'm not understanding enough. Not nice enough. Not accommodating enough. In the end, I'm the one who gets stepped on. And, I guess they wouldn't believe the process that I have to go through to make myself numb and teach them the foreign language that is akin to stepping on shards of glass. Blame my brain for automatic inferencing and memory retrieval. Blame my brain for connecting the painful memories from one person and equating that with the language spoken of the latter. I had to train my neurons, axons and dendrites to create new pathways that would compartmentalize my emotions, but, it has left me drained.

Of course I cannot tell my students that there is an added pressure on my part not to tap into specific areas of my memory that are triggered by the symbols of the language I teach. Damn you, Barthes! Damn you, Derrida! I have erased you, I am erasing you, but, your traces remain. And when I thought that by teaching, I could desensitize myself, I was wrong. 

Gah, it feels so awkward to have soliloquies at midnight. 

"Pray thee tell, what is your wish, O self?" 

"I wish to turn my back at my students and leave them to the elements. I am no stranger to the art of leaving--I, being left behind too many times I've lost count."

"Do you not ponder on the repercussions of your hastiness?"

"Alas, I have. Alea iacta est. I have decided to hand in my resignation letter knowing fully well that I am standing up for honor and the knowledge that I am right."

"What about compromise?"

"What compromise? I have compromised and yet, I am still charged as an uncompromising villainess. They are a burden and they have hurt me. I do not wish to prolong the agony of pain."

"Aha! You are a slave to your emotions!"

"True. You and I succumb to the throes of rage, pain and fear. I no longer want to continue this discourse. The Land of Nod beckons."

*                                                                         *                                                            *

Please reset. Come on, neurons. Re...

The Bonchon Chronicles

"T***-san you lost weight! But you look younger!"

For someone who loved to eat, I'd love to thank my genes for barely piling on the fat. I was supposed to treat him out to lunch, but, my friend's conscience got the best of him and paid for everything. Or so he said.

The orders came in.

"How's the MA going?" he asked.

"Changed majors in one day. Could you believe it? I've got a progressive reading list: Marx, Derrida, Foucault...we recently discussed about "moving the center". Or how some important Filipino words from the regions are not included in the "Filipino Dictionary". Like for example, 'mingaw' for missing someone or 'ginikanan' for parents, which actually refers to origins or roots."

"Mingaw actually means two things. One, it could be a place. Say, a cave with water. There's solitude, but, you also feel lonely. Get my point? Or if you're in the center of a rainforest. All is quiet save for the chirping of birds..."

I nod. "You really should check out "Kafka On The Shore". There's this chapter where the character goes deep into the woods as he tried to find something. Basta. Won't tell you more, just read it."

"Ok. So the second 'mingaw' is when you love someone and there's a great distance. There's this part of you that wants to see this person again and even if it's so impossible, it's there."

"Yearning?"

"Yeah, you're yearning for this person and it goes really deep. It's too bad the term is used loosely nowadays in text messages."

Flowing from one topic to another in between bites. We hit a road bump.

"You know, she could move heaven and earth," I said.

He stopped piercing the chicken with the fork. "That's unfair, dude. I moved heaven and earth for her."

His eyes stung. He was about to cry.

"Let it out dude."

"Damn," he was letting out short breaths to calm himself. I gave him a Bonchon tissue to wipe his tears off.

"You know I really should take your video!" I laughed at him.

"You're a douche!"

I laughed some more. He went on to explain, "You know, nothing's the same without her. I've had two relationships after her. They felt different. Coming back to Manila...I could only remember the good things she did to me. These places...Cubao or this street where she could make me eat vegetables and I would happily oblige...she was my world then."

He had this look of nostalgia, I felt sorry for him.

"But, dude, I spoke to her...she's mad at you."

"I know. It's my fault...it's like this Lamborghini. I'm gonna tell you the car seats are crappy, but, still, it's a Lamborghini. At least you know that before you buy it. What I'm saying is, I want her to know that this is me and she has to accept it. I'm a douche, but, I could be a nice douche."

"Right. And so you're testing her?"

"No. I want her to know that before she falls for me, if she falls for me again. You know I made her go through a lot...there's this time after we broke up, her windpipe broke down and she was in the bathroom and she couldn't even scream for help...I did that to her..."

"Are you going to win her back?"

"I'll try even if she doesn't want me anymore. I'll try even if she hates me right now and if that doesn't work, at least I tried."

I started to break. I felt how much he loved her. I understood how strong his 'mingaw' was, how it was similar to my own. I choked back tears but, I ended up getting some Bonchon tissue, too, "I really hope things will turn out ok for the both of you. I really do."

"We'll see."

Outside, it started to drizzle.