Almost a week left before finals. Checking students' essays on geopolitics and history could be tedious especially for a certified grammarnazi. Let me indulge in some temporary albeit superficial mushiness. If only there was someone to make me remember all the things I forced myself to forget.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
19.10.14
28.7.14
Fed Up
I don't know if I'm supposed to be flattered, annoyed or insulted whenever a long-time family friend finally musters his courage to tell me that he had feelings for me some years back. This had happened too many times I've lost count. Thing is, I feel sorry for their wives. Why the heck are they telling me this when they've been married for a long time and have two or four kids in tow?
Geez. Cut me some slack. Good thing, I never thought of them as anything more than "older brothers", whom I never had, being the eldest. This fact had saved them a lot of awkwardness that they might feel after their confession.
What really bites is this: why do I have to know, only now, after waiting for more than a decade, that the person I had loved back then, really wanted to marry me? Why do I have to learn, just now, that he couldn't fight for me but wanted to and ended up hurting me instead to "save" me from pain?
Ok, I don't regret my decision of not saying "Yes" when he came back and asked me to marry him. And I'm happy that he finally got married and it was an affirmation that being with him is not the future I wanted. But why am I ranting?
I'm ranting because of the lost chances. Not just mine but, for all those who were scared and walked away. Those who never tried to fight for me. Damn it. I've seen them all again this weekend and I tried to picture myself, living parallel lives, the what-if-I-ended-up-with-him game in my head which lasted for some seconds, and me finally realizing, deep-down, that even if I had longed to be with someone, it could never have worked with them.
I'm ranting because I have to wait for another chance. I'm impatient, and yet, I'm still too hurt and vulnerable to trust and love again. Aye, this stupid paradox. I'm too sick and tired of waiting, pretending to be strong and acting as if nothing happened. Sick of being told I'm awesome and yet I'm never enough. Sick of always being cheated on or lied to. Sick of being the victim. Sick of always being on the losing end. Sick and tired of always caring and understanding, when no one else even cares to ask if I'm ok.
Will someone be bold enough to take off my mask and embrace my faults? Either that or I jump off a high tower.
12.1.14
The Phone Call
My cousin rang me up and I knew I had to take this call even if my batt was running low. His words resonated deeply.
"Ate, I want to thank you for making me happy. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have met her. I really hope that you'll be finally happy. With all the selflessness that you're doing, I'm praying that one day, a guy will come to love you and sweep you off your feet. You deserve it. Pray that you could finally let go. Don't chase after ashes. I want you to be happy."
Ad Perpetuam Memoriam
Attended a concert the other night to watch my blind cousin sing. Before her turn came, there was an old tenor who sang this:
"Lagi Kitang Naaalala"
Lyrics by: Levi Celerio
Music by: Leopoldo Silos
I think of you always
Even if I try
to forget you
Or forget you were part of
My life
I still dream of you
While I attempt to forget you
It becomes more intense
My love for you
In my heart
is imprinted
Love for you only my beloved
If love is genuine
and love is true
It will not fade
Even if it brings sorrow
It will never disappear
Lagi kitang naaalala
Kahit na pilitin kong limutin ka.
Nilimot na kita sa aking buhay
Ngunit pangarap din kita.
Habang ikaw ay nililimot
Ay lalong sumisidhi ang pag-irog.
Sa aking puso ay nakalarawan,
pag-ibig mo, lamang.
Kung tunay ang tanging pagmamahal
Ay di mapaparam
Habang nagdudulot ng pighati
Lalong di mapawi.
Lagi kitang naaalala
Kahit na pilitin kong limutin ka.
Sa aking puso ay nakalarawan
pag-ibig mo, hirang.
Pag-ibig ko'y laging ikaw.
****************************************************************************************************
If only there was a way to erase the memories. If only there was a way to stop feeling. I don't want to hurt anymore.
11.1.14
Ad Infinitum
I am humbled. The chance to be able to reach out to polar extremes is rare. Before this year even started, an exclusive interview with the highest ambassador entailed visiting him at his residence. Warmly-welcomed, his wife went out of her way to make my entire team be at ease. It was a most unlikely shoot, but they were more than happy to accommodate. Afterwards, the ambassador spoke about how he could further help my countrymen down south. Those who were gravely affected by the massive storm. At that point, it felt that their relief efforts aren't just about establishing closer ties with my government, it was about reaching out in the gut-level. There was more to diplomacy than a mere doling out of relief or financial aid. Our conversation inspired me all the more to focus and aim for a long-shelved dream, which I hope will finally happen this year.
And the pendulum swings.
The beginning of the new year had catapulted me to doubt whether I should leave my job--it was if my officemates were heeding a migratory call to evacuate the building. That morning seemed like another morning when I decided to just frack it and fix whatever bureaucratic filing I had to do for my business. Which I did.
Took the bus to my next destination. I had to be seated next to a lady with a sleeping toddler in her arms. She didn't budge and I had to take the seat next to the window, in the process, I had to be careful that my huge bag wouldn't hit her or her child. The bus conductor came and charged me for my fare. The lady then turned to me and asked me where she could get off and how could she go to the Heart Center. She then recounted that her daughter had a hole in her heart and she had to take her to the doctor. When we got off at the same stop, I helped her cross the street and shaded her and her toddler with my umbrella as we waited for her bus. It came and she got on. I don't remember hearing her thank me or perhaps she was in a hurry, the wind muffled her voice.
That same day, I ate lunch at a fast-food joint. Looking out the glass, there was a man who looked like he needed a wash but couldn't. He worked in the parking lot, eking out an existence from the coins given to him. I had to look away while I ate and indulged on the coffee float. When I got out, I gave him my half-emptied drink and he was shocked when I asked him if it was ok that I gave it to him. He couldn't say anything, but took the drink from my hand. I boarded the oncoming bus and from the window, saw his back turned away.
It didn't matter anymore that the people I've helped couldn't thank me back. I helped them without asking for anything in return anyway--it felt good though. It dawned on me, that whatever crap I went through the past year from people I never thought would hurt me, or those whom I've given another chance to redeem themselves but still screwed up and hurt me more--these people and circumstances don't mean anything anymore. Let the universe deal with them.
There's more to living than hurting others or wanting revenge. Despite everything I went through, I'm still grateful that I'm given the chance to make a difference in other people's lives, no matter how small. Giving up and wanting to die certainly would cause even more pain and hopefully my wounded self would heal and I'd be able to feel again.
And even if I didn't get thanked, the universe rewarded me that day. I was given a spot as a radio commentator, assigned to be the Executive Producer of the car show I've been dying to launch for ages and I'll be going out twice a week to cover events for the business show.
It doesn't end there.
One of the nicest gifts I got during my dad's birthday was a hug from our company's corporate secretary and her telling me: "Please don't leave us. There's no one else we could trust."
I cried hard and hugged her tight. From someone who's been hurt and abandoned many times in various forms by different people, it felt good to be wanted. To be considered as family. To be valued. To be asked to stay.
Thank you, universe.
And the pendulum swings.
The beginning of the new year had catapulted me to doubt whether I should leave my job--it was if my officemates were heeding a migratory call to evacuate the building. That morning seemed like another morning when I decided to just frack it and fix whatever bureaucratic filing I had to do for my business. Which I did.
Took the bus to my next destination. I had to be seated next to a lady with a sleeping toddler in her arms. She didn't budge and I had to take the seat next to the window, in the process, I had to be careful that my huge bag wouldn't hit her or her child. The bus conductor came and charged me for my fare. The lady then turned to me and asked me where she could get off and how could she go to the Heart Center. She then recounted that her daughter had a hole in her heart and she had to take her to the doctor. When we got off at the same stop, I helped her cross the street and shaded her and her toddler with my umbrella as we waited for her bus. It came and she got on. I don't remember hearing her thank me or perhaps she was in a hurry, the wind muffled her voice.
That same day, I ate lunch at a fast-food joint. Looking out the glass, there was a man who looked like he needed a wash but couldn't. He worked in the parking lot, eking out an existence from the coins given to him. I had to look away while I ate and indulged on the coffee float. When I got out, I gave him my half-emptied drink and he was shocked when I asked him if it was ok that I gave it to him. He couldn't say anything, but took the drink from my hand. I boarded the oncoming bus and from the window, saw his back turned away.
It didn't matter anymore that the people I've helped couldn't thank me back. I helped them without asking for anything in return anyway--it felt good though. It dawned on me, that whatever crap I went through the past year from people I never thought would hurt me, or those whom I've given another chance to redeem themselves but still screwed up and hurt me more--these people and circumstances don't mean anything anymore. Let the universe deal with them.
There's more to living than hurting others or wanting revenge. Despite everything I went through, I'm still grateful that I'm given the chance to make a difference in other people's lives, no matter how small. Giving up and wanting to die certainly would cause even more pain and hopefully my wounded self would heal and I'd be able to feel again.
And even if I didn't get thanked, the universe rewarded me that day. I was given a spot as a radio commentator, assigned to be the Executive Producer of the car show I've been dying to launch for ages and I'll be going out twice a week to cover events for the business show.
It doesn't end there.
One of the nicest gifts I got during my dad's birthday was a hug from our company's corporate secretary and her telling me: "Please don't leave us. There's no one else we could trust."
I cried hard and hugged her tight. From someone who's been hurt and abandoned many times in various forms by different people, it felt good to be wanted. To be considered as family. To be valued. To be asked to stay.
Thank you, universe.
16.12.13
16.11.13
Virtual Bus Ride II
The Sunday before
the biggest strong hit,
I dreamt of you.
Climbed on the bus,
too full, I had
to stand up and
steady myself...
A hand on my waist--
looked at it;
the fingers were all
too familiar
They're yours.
I felt safe.
[Fade to black]
A giant plaza.
We both sat down,
tried to make up
for the lost
for the lost
time;
The years melted...
wanted to rest my
head on your
shoulder
I wake up.
[Found out that the phone rang at 4am. Was it you?]
12.10.13
Post Scriptum
Once in a while, it feels great to have some form of reaffirmation. To have some sort of support and appreciation when you least expect it. Mine came from a friend who said that his first impression of me was that I was this person who was larger than life, who could do anything. Be anyone.
I told him it was all a mask.
He said, "No, you were the one who had it all figured out. You know, just because you feel that way right now means the "veneer" or the you that we saw or I saw wasn't true. You just have to accept, come to terms and realize that the person we admired then is still there beyond the wasteland, Elephants' graveyard. The desolation you're feeling right now. And you have to see her, look toward her, and hopefully grab at her, so eventually you can come to a point where you're embracing her again. Because you are not a defeated person. This is only a defeat. You are in pain but not worthless, but you aren't a loser or a failure. A loss."
I guess he's right. There's still some spunk left, otherwise I wouldn't struggle so hard to make things right with the last remaining embers of strength.
And he's not the only one who said that I'm "enough". I might have given up doing nightly news oncams, which I had personally written and requested from my superiors, because I wanted to make a point and had to get it across. However, my transfer has been taking ages...
Clarified this incident to one of my older friends who asked when I stopped and why I did. After telling him about my passive resistance, he said, "You might have given up what might be considered as a lucrative career but in the sight of those who care and matter the most, you're a superstar."
I cried. Man, did I cry.
I guess it's time to remember that it doesn't really matter now how many times I've been persecuted for what I believed in, but, what's important is that I held my ground.
I guess it's time to apologize to the people who don't deserve to be hurt just because I'm wounded right now.
I guess it's time to hold my tongue when I'm supposed to keep silent and speak up when I need to be heard.
I guess it's time to reconcile the differences and not be offended by those who have blatantly turned me down. Those who have exploited me and my strengths and have maliciously highlighted my faults.
I guess it's time to stop having suicidal thoughts and finally forgive myself.
****************************************************************************************************
PPS. And it was because out of necessity, not my suicidal tendency, that I had to brave the Signal No. 2 typhoon tonight. I didn't want to wait for a damp tricycle and cram myself inside with the other wet passengers. Yes, I walked head on through the rain, fierce winds, and deep mud puddles at such an ungodly hour. At one time, the wind caught my umbrella and blew it upside down, drenching me a bit.
Oddly enough, there was something beautiful about the rain being blown by the wind as the lamppost shone against the droplets. It seemed like a wet, Van Gogh "Starry Night" painting.
9.10.13
Twist of Fate
Can't shake off this sense of foreboding the whole day. I wanted to wean myself out of facebook to avoid toxic memories, but, something drew me to check.
Bingo.
My childhood friend from Malaysia posted a shoutout saying that she lost her ex-lover. I just had to message and comfort her somehow. I thought it was her fiancé who died, turns out, it was her ex-husband who used to sleep around and beat her to a pulp.
She was torn.
She said that she had called him up last October 3. The neighbors noticed a stench and promptly called the police. The body had been rotting for 3-5 days.
I barraged her with questions: "Murder? Heart attack?"
She wasn't sure and is willing to go through the postmortem investigation.
I told her that, somehow, what happened was poetic justice for what she had to go through in the past. The pain and shame she had to endure for love. She agreed.
"You're finally free," I typed.
"See you next week. Let's pick up my fiancé from the airport. I'm arriving a day ahead and I want you to meet him."
"Lemme look at my sched," I said though I couldn't pencil it in yet. Well, I want to see how my love advice worked on her. Funny how it works on other people...Talk about letting out my inner Amélie Poulain.
Melihat anda.
7.10.13
The Day the Music Died
After I was severed, I couldn't make myself listen to anything. I had no choice but to drown in K-pop because I couldn't understand the lyrics. Even Japanese hurt my ears. Somehow, Portuguese is the only Romance language I could listen to, other than that, I'd rather choose silence over remembrance.
The same is true with the written word. The other day, I had no choice but to read something in French and it pierced me. Much like German did before, though I didn't have a choice then but to swallow large chunks of text in Deutsche Übersetzung...to regurgitate them into more meaningful bites for a restructured thesis proposal.
Still trying to heal. Slowly beginning to make myself listen to jazz and classical pieces--trying to find out what it is to be whole again.
Baby steps.
I'd have to tune my violin one of these days.
*Title adapted from Don McLean's "American Pie" (Homage to the deaths of Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and J. P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson)
29.9.13
Lubitel Love Part 1
"I want to give her a camera for her birthday, but, I don't know which one. There's a couple of vintage ones that I've pegged, could you check them out?"
"Go! Send me the links," I typed.
So, yeah, from what started out as a simple favor of being a messenger for my love-sick ex-classmate, I'm being consulted for the perfect gift. Ok, it's a "going-away" gift, it had to be really special.
The target: our ex-classmate who's now his ex because he was such a douche for letting her go. Two failed relationships and four years later, he's still madly in-love with her. And since I'm such a sucker for love or at least wanted to make up for my own love problem, I felt that I had to help him get her back. Or at least try.
Holga. Nope.
Diana. Nope.
LCA+. Nope.
"Dude, how bout this?"
Kinoflex. Looks promising.
Lubitel. My gut: "Yes yes yes!"
"Dude, get the Lubitel, she'd love that."
"Yeah, I'd want it, too. I'm trying to contact the seller. It's P5,000 and I'm going to bleed. Poverty-levels, man. But it's my going-away present for her so it's worth it."
Fast-forward to Tuesday. It was a hella long day for me. Woke up at past 4am. Went to work at 5am. Got off at past 2pm. Was called back to the office at 5pm for a marathon meeting with the superboss' husband. Got grilled. More work. Translating off-hours. Couldn't do anything except do the bitch's bidding lest she reports me again for petty stuff to finally kick me out. Le sigh. When I'm done she gives me a fake "Thank you." I leave, tears of frustration streaming down my cheeks. Sleep-deprived I still had to meet my ex-classmate at 8.30pm to get the package...
Time space warp.
Past 10pm. McDo. "Dude I owe you," he says. He pays for my dinner. He couldn't eat well as he was thinking about how he's going to wrap the gift. To be honest, I was pretty impressed that he pulled out all the stops. He had to cross the street a couple of times to buy scissors and some polisher/cleaner for the camera. Since he went out, a beggar boy eyed his fries and asked for it. Resigned, he gave it.
"Dude, this is it! When you give it to her...argh! Allons-y! I just hope she'd like it at least."
"She'll like it for sure. I'm more worried about the fact that she might kill me for this," I said.
"Basta, dude, I owe you. Just tell her "Happy birthday!" You don't have to tell her it's from me."
9.9.13
The Bonchon Chronicles
"T***-san you lost weight! But you look younger!"
For someone who loved to eat, I'd love to thank my genes for barely piling on the fat. I was supposed to treat him out to lunch, but, my friend's conscience got the best of him and paid for everything. Or so he said.
The orders came in.
"How's the MA going?" he asked.
"Changed majors in one day. Could you believe it? I've got a progressive reading list: Marx, Derrida, Foucault...we recently discussed about "moving the center". Or how some important Filipino words from the regions are not included in the "Filipino Dictionary". Like for example, 'mingaw' for missing someone or 'ginikanan' for parents, which actually refers to origins or roots."
"Mingaw actually means two things. One, it could be a place. Say, a cave with water. There's solitude, but, you also feel lonely. Get my point? Or if you're in the center of a rainforest. All is quiet save for the chirping of birds..."
I nod. "You really should check out "Kafka On The Shore". There's this chapter where the character goes deep into the woods as he tried to find something. Basta. Won't tell you more, just read it."
"Ok. So the second 'mingaw' is when you love someone and there's a great distance. There's this part of you that wants to see this person again and even if it's so impossible, it's there."
"Yearning?"
"Yeah, you're yearning for this person and it goes really deep. It's too bad the term is used loosely nowadays in text messages."
Flowing from one topic to another in between bites. We hit a road bump.
"You know, she could move heaven and earth," I said.
He stopped piercing the chicken with the fork. "That's unfair, dude. I moved heaven and earth for her."
His eyes stung. He was about to cry.
"Let it out dude."
"Damn," he was letting out short breaths to calm himself. I gave him a Bonchon tissue to wipe his tears off.
"You know I really should take your video!" I laughed at him.
"You're a douche!"
I laughed some more. He went on to explain, "You know, nothing's the same without her. I've had two relationships after her. They felt different. Coming back to Manila...I could only remember the good things she did to me. These places...Cubao or this street where she could make me eat vegetables and I would happily oblige...she was my world then."
He had this look of nostalgia, I felt sorry for him.
"But, dude, I spoke to her...she's mad at you."
"I know. It's my fault...it's like this Lamborghini. I'm gonna tell you the car seats are crappy, but, still, it's a Lamborghini. At least you know that before you buy it. What I'm saying is, I want her to know that this is me and she has to accept it. I'm a douche, but, I could be a nice douche."
"Right. And so you're testing her?"
"No. I want her to know that before she falls for me, if she falls for me again. You know I made her go through a lot...there's this time after we broke up, her windpipe broke down and she was in the bathroom and she couldn't even scream for help...I did that to her..."
"Are you going to win her back?"
"I'll try even if she doesn't want me anymore. I'll try even if she hates me right now and if that doesn't work, at least I tried."
I started to break. I felt how much he loved her. I understood how strong his 'mingaw' was, how it was similar to my own. I choked back tears but, I ended up getting some Bonchon tissue, too, "I really hope things will turn out ok for the both of you. I really do."
"We'll see."
Outside, it started to drizzle.
For someone who loved to eat, I'd love to thank my genes for barely piling on the fat. I was supposed to treat him out to lunch, but, my friend's conscience got the best of him and paid for everything. Or so he said.
The orders came in.
"How's the MA going?" he asked.
"Changed majors in one day. Could you believe it? I've got a progressive reading list: Marx, Derrida, Foucault...we recently discussed about "moving the center". Or how some important Filipino words from the regions are not included in the "Filipino Dictionary". Like for example, 'mingaw' for missing someone or 'ginikanan' for parents, which actually refers to origins or roots."
"Mingaw actually means two things. One, it could be a place. Say, a cave with water. There's solitude, but, you also feel lonely. Get my point? Or if you're in the center of a rainforest. All is quiet save for the chirping of birds..."
I nod. "You really should check out "Kafka On The Shore". There's this chapter where the character goes deep into the woods as he tried to find something. Basta. Won't tell you more, just read it."
"Ok. So the second 'mingaw' is when you love someone and there's a great distance. There's this part of you that wants to see this person again and even if it's so impossible, it's there."
"Yearning?"
"Yeah, you're yearning for this person and it goes really deep. It's too bad the term is used loosely nowadays in text messages."
Flowing from one topic to another in between bites. We hit a road bump.
"You know, she could move heaven and earth," I said.
He stopped piercing the chicken with the fork. "That's unfair, dude. I moved heaven and earth for her."
His eyes stung. He was about to cry.
"Let it out dude."
"Damn," he was letting out short breaths to calm himself. I gave him a Bonchon tissue to wipe his tears off.
"You know I really should take your video!" I laughed at him.
"You're a douche!"
I laughed some more. He went on to explain, "You know, nothing's the same without her. I've had two relationships after her. They felt different. Coming back to Manila...I could only remember the good things she did to me. These places...Cubao or this street where she could make me eat vegetables and I would happily oblige...she was my world then."
He had this look of nostalgia, I felt sorry for him.
"But, dude, I spoke to her...she's mad at you."
"I know. It's my fault...it's like this Lamborghini. I'm gonna tell you the car seats are crappy, but, still, it's a Lamborghini. At least you know that before you buy it. What I'm saying is, I want her to know that this is me and she has to accept it. I'm a douche, but, I could be a nice douche."
"Right. And so you're testing her?"
"No. I want her to know that before she falls for me, if she falls for me again. You know I made her go through a lot...there's this time after we broke up, her windpipe broke down and she was in the bathroom and she couldn't even scream for help...I did that to her..."
"Are you going to win her back?"
"I'll try even if she doesn't want me anymore. I'll try even if she hates me right now and if that doesn't work, at least I tried."
I started to break. I felt how much he loved her. I understood how strong his 'mingaw' was, how it was similar to my own. I choked back tears but, I ended up getting some Bonchon tissue, too, "I really hope things will turn out ok for the both of you. I really do."
"We'll see."
Outside, it started to drizzle.
12.1.13
Sanctity vs. Sanctuary
These words aren't mine but, let the voice of my poetess-friend echo the stirrings of my soul:
"Someone who has experienced a life-altering love, whether the outcome is tragic or otherwise would never violate its sanctity by settling for something less.
If love were so convenient and logical, its value would deteriorate. But some people burn at the stake for love, tear their families apart, build monuments, write entire symphonies and novels, starve to death, forego temptations and transitory desires and all because they have come to know it on a higher level. I have heard about couples who wander aimlessly apart for years only to be reunited after discovering that neither of them has settled for someone else. I have also heard about odd pairings between deaf, blind, mute, crippled and paraplegic lovers--none of which make sense if the goal is merely great sex.
Ultimately love is not about safety, comfort, and shelter or convenience.
Love is truth: the kind that gets shot in a firing squad...The kind that braves the streets on a dark night or journeys through waterless deserts. It is not merely the kind of love found between the sheets or solid four walls but the kind that waits outside, under the rain or the scorching heat. It braves boredom, restlessness and ritual. It often mocks the status quo and no amount of clichés will explain it away.
Love is sacred. It accepts no substitutes for its truth is more haunting than dead words. And because it is sacred it requires sacrifice.
Love waits patiently on eerie shores when the tides are cruel and everyone else is safe, for the heart cannot be taught to love another. For the heart cannot settle for something less."
9.1.13
Love Language
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This video made me remember what my dad told me before: "It's not "I love you because..." but "I love you despite..."
Lately, the pain of loss has been too much to bear. It doesn't mean that when I choose to be silent, I'm just being indifferent or I'm exacting revenge for whatever suffering I endured from whoever has hurt me the most. No. It just means that I'm scared and the fear is eating me up alive.
The unfathomable fear of being hurt again by false promises, by scathing words I don't deserve; I fear being treated unfairly or being cheated on, even when I have never done anything wrong, even when I stayed faithful and my love remained constant. I fear being abandoned again, that I would be rejected once more because of who I am, that my scars would open into newer, deeper wounds. I fear that even if I speak or write, my words will fall on deaf ears. My heart trampled on repeatedly. My memory erased.
And yet, I still hope that someone would be brave enough to reach out and try over and over to save me--even when I have abandoned all hope, even when I fall silent...To tell me that there's no reason to be afraid anymore and that everything will be ok.
The unfathomable fear of being hurt again by false promises, by scathing words I don't deserve; I fear being treated unfairly or being cheated on, even when I have never done anything wrong, even when I stayed faithful and my love remained constant. I fear being abandoned again, that I would be rejected once more because of who I am, that my scars would open into newer, deeper wounds. I fear that even if I speak or write, my words will fall on deaf ears. My heart trampled on repeatedly. My memory erased.
And yet, I still hope that someone would be brave enough to reach out and try over and over to save me--even when I have abandoned all hope, even when I fall silent...To tell me that there's no reason to be afraid anymore and that everything will be ok.
26.12.12
Heart Matters
“It may be that you are settled in another place, it may be that you are happy, but the one who took your heart wields final power.”
― Jeanette Winterson, The Passion (1987)
"I want you to come to me without a past. Those lines you’ve learned, forget them. Forget that you’ve been here before in other bedrooms in other places. Come to me new. Never say you love me until that day when you have proved it."
― Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body (1992)
"Love wounds. There is no love that does not pierce through the hands and feet. Love’s exquisite happiness is also love’s exquisite pain. I do not seek pain but there is pain. I do not seek suffering, but there is suffering. It is better not to flinch, not to try and avoid those things in love’s direction. It is not easy, this love, but only the impossible is worth the effort."
― Jeanette Winterson, The PowerBook (2000)
18.10.12
Omnia Vincit Amor
Love never ends.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
15.10.11
Beginnings at the End
via my modern met
I'm a cram artist. I love the feel of rushing my papers too damn close to the deadline. I love almost always beating the clock. I love the feeling of exhausting every ounce of strength left, every drop of adrenaline, every sleep-deprived night.
But it eventually takes its toll.
I've been working on a translation of an entire book for my penalty course. I was supposed to show up during the appointed last day with the rest of my classmates, but, out of shame that I wasn't still finished, I didn't show up and chose to just submit on the next appointed deadline.
To cut it short, I submitted it a few days later and my professor finally snapped at me for being so good at bad timing. That morning, when I finally showed up on her doorstep with my final project, I wasn't expecting to learn more than just the "Theories of Translation" from Newmark. My prof, who's also a prolific translator, told me a few things:
1. "Learn good timing." Don't bug really old teachers, who normally sleep early. Don't text at bad hours (i.e. 9pm). Consultation should be done during normal office hours from 8am-5pm.
2. "Go with the pack." I should have gone with my classmates during the weekend/last day of our classes and I would've known then that all my prof needed was a chapter to be translated AND my analysis.
3. "Prioritize and stick to doing your priorities." I was absent from work for almost a week and she said that I should go to work or do what I have to do instead of dropping everything for the final paper. She said that she really just wanted us to pass the subject the easiest way possible and not kill us from exhaustion.
4. "Don't stick to the schedule that you've imposed on yourself." Refer to #2.
5. "Things can always change." After seeing my completed work (after blasting me and seeing me cry, yes, I easily break into tears), my prof said that I could change my thesis topic and consult my adviser about it as I have finished translating an entire book already. She even cited another language major who only translated A CHAPTER of a French book and this will already be her thesis.
6. "Pray." Before letting me go, she tells me that I should pray that this new proposal will push through.
She also said that something good eventually came out of going through such great lengths to just submit the translated work and I couldn't agree more. I thanked her and walked out the door.
As yesterday provided me with almost all the answers to what I've been going through the past few weeks, the same goes for my relationship with my significant other. Weeks of pressure and exhaustion just wore me out that eventually I exploded the other day. I wanted to break up. He didn't. We thought we could sleep on it for a day and it'd be fine, but, it didn't. I was still so scared that I was just willing to give him up instead of just fighting for him or being more patient and supportive. After calling him up and him calling me back, regardless of exorbitant long-distance phone bills, we finally sorted "us" out.
1. "Don't sleep on a problem, talk it out." I really couldn't sleep knowing that I've hurt him and him, me, and I really couldn't stand not talking to him though I said I won't. In the end, talking it out was just the best solution to see where we stand and what we need to do next.
2. "Regardless of any issue, it's better to fight together and NOT against each other."
3. "No more ultimatums, be ready to compromise."
4. "Be more patient and supportive."
5. "Calm down and quell your fears."
6. "Don't be afraid to listen, even if it's going to scare you or hurt you."
7. "Relationships take a lot of work and trust." It doesn't matter if it's a long-distance relationship or if you see each other everyday. Making it work will take a lot of effort, but, since you're working on the same team, it's going to be worth it.
8. "Love always wins."
But it eventually takes its toll.
I've been working on a translation of an entire book for my penalty course. I was supposed to show up during the appointed last day with the rest of my classmates, but, out of shame that I wasn't still finished, I didn't show up and chose to just submit on the next appointed deadline.
To cut it short, I submitted it a few days later and my professor finally snapped at me for being so good at bad timing. That morning, when I finally showed up on her doorstep with my final project, I wasn't expecting to learn more than just the "Theories of Translation" from Newmark. My prof, who's also a prolific translator, told me a few things:
1. "Learn good timing." Don't bug really old teachers, who normally sleep early. Don't text at bad hours (i.e. 9pm). Consultation should be done during normal office hours from 8am-5pm.
2. "Go with the pack." I should have gone with my classmates during the weekend/last day of our classes and I would've known then that all my prof needed was a chapter to be translated AND my analysis.
3. "Prioritize and stick to doing your priorities." I was absent from work for almost a week and she said that I should go to work or do what I have to do instead of dropping everything for the final paper. She said that she really just wanted us to pass the subject the easiest way possible and not kill us from exhaustion.
4. "Don't stick to the schedule that you've imposed on yourself." Refer to #2.
5. "Things can always change." After seeing my completed work (after blasting me and seeing me cry, yes, I easily break into tears), my prof said that I could change my thesis topic and consult my adviser about it as I have finished translating an entire book already. She even cited another language major who only translated A CHAPTER of a French book and this will already be her thesis.
6. "Pray." Before letting me go, she tells me that I should pray that this new proposal will push through.
She also said that something good eventually came out of going through such great lengths to just submit the translated work and I couldn't agree more. I thanked her and walked out the door.
As yesterday provided me with almost all the answers to what I've been going through the past few weeks, the same goes for my relationship with my significant other. Weeks of pressure and exhaustion just wore me out that eventually I exploded the other day. I wanted to break up. He didn't. We thought we could sleep on it for a day and it'd be fine, but, it didn't. I was still so scared that I was just willing to give him up instead of just fighting for him or being more patient and supportive. After calling him up and him calling me back, regardless of exorbitant long-distance phone bills, we finally sorted "us" out.
1. "Don't sleep on a problem, talk it out." I really couldn't sleep knowing that I've hurt him and him, me, and I really couldn't stand not talking to him though I said I won't. In the end, talking it out was just the best solution to see where we stand and what we need to do next.
2. "Regardless of any issue, it's better to fight together and NOT against each other."
3. "No more ultimatums, be ready to compromise."
4. "Be more patient and supportive."
5. "Calm down and quell your fears."
6. "Don't be afraid to listen, even if it's going to scare you or hurt you."
7. "Relationships take a lot of work and trust." It doesn't matter if it's a long-distance relationship or if you see each other everyday. Making it work will take a lot of effort, but, since you're working on the same team, it's going to be worth it.
8. "Love always wins."
6.12.10
1.12.10
27.11.10
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