Randomness

I decided to swallow my pride, stop ranting and be more patient with my older students, who are notorious for complaining about their grades. With eyes closed, I gave them the highest grade so that they wouldn't bug the living daylights out of me. I feel that I'm compromising what I believe in, but, I have no choice.

Aside from rectifying the grades, I have to stay. Stay. S-T-A-Y. Rinse. Repeat. Ok, this is another neuro-muscle that I need to flex. I need to inject this word into my system again. For someone who's always been left behind and now used to leaving, too, this is going to be a tough call.

Perhaps, there's no other way but to do this and it's part of my training for my next exam.

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On the penultimate day of family week, we had randomly travelled to a nearby province and met a long-time family friend who was in a financial slump and is undergoing dialysis treatment. In a nutshell, he was able to share that he had to ask his daughter to stop studying because he couldn't afford it anymore and he's worried that if she cannot continue her education, she will not be able to find a job if he would eventually pass away. I told him then that I could let him meet one of the school officials in charge of the Alternative Learning System once the new year rolled in.

Fast forward. He sends a text message to my sister asking if we could meet up after his dialysis treatment. Since my sister had a class, I volunteered to take him and good thing my dad also said that he'll come with us. So we finally met the department head and it was obvious that he felt that he really needed to help our friend's daughter not only by offering her the 10-month system for free and a job as his student assistant if she passes the exam. It was a relief for our family friend that his daughter could study, take the exam and hopefully pass to be able to skip a few year levels and go directly to college/university or work, if she should choose this option. 

After the meeting, I treated them to lunch before they went back to the province. It felt really great to be able to help them out. My dad said that he really pitied our family friend since the latter used to be really rich, as his family used to own a chain of supermarkets. Well, life is like a wheel, sometimes you're on top and sometimes you're not. And so the wheel turns...

EOD

Decluttering my mind.

80% done with my pedagogical requirements (long exams and essay-checking + grade sheets).

40% finished with data collection for two majors: translation and historical documents dating back more than 300 years. No need to hop over the SIL Library for related literature.

60% done with ongoing online classes. Essays + quizzes = Verified Certificates!

35% prepared for one of the most gruelling weeks of my life. I don't think I'll be sleeping much soon though I need to (Colds and flu go away, don't come back another day. Ever.). Focus. Breathe. Focus. Read. Read. READ.

45% done with emailing clients. I'm grateful that my NY boss was cool enough to send moolah for a new MacBook Air. I guess he really liked my vibe and my transparency with the funds he wired. I'm just waiting until February is over. Also, I can't believe that in the span of time that we worked for him, he was able to sense that my sister and I are such a rare package and allowed us to work on another project. Can't wait to move out...

20% recruitment drive activated. Follow-ups. More "kulit" (haven't used this word in ages!).

30% done with preparations for my grandma's visit! I just need the phone/WiFi to be installed in her condo unit so we could telecommute there.

25% ready for Justin's visit. Weird that my concept-selling tactic (trying to sell him a condo unit some years back) just worked this year, when he finally convinced his boss that working in the tropics in December is a good idea. So yeah, that translates into a month of lazing around the southern island of Palawan. Will just help him with techie stuff, his visa extension and prolly tour him around the city.

95% helping out with the expenses at home, especially since Dad's been sick and had been undergoing physical therapy the past few weeks. 

90% working on forgiveness. I hope that when I finally reach 100%, I won't hurt anymore. 

1Q14

The first part of this year has been pretty amazing and I can't complain with all the blessings coming in and all the awesome experiences jam-packed into just a couple of months.

Stuff that happened in no particular order--just making a random list:

1. Joined the Worldwide Walk for Typhoon Yolanda victims.

2. Accidentally took part in the One Billion Rising just because I had to meet up with my friends documenting the event.

3. Was invited to the private vernissage of my jewelry designer friend and artist. Really proud that her collection is now sold in Europe.

4. Presented a paper on the plight of Filipino sugarcane farmers based on an award-winning literary work in front of my National Artist for Literature professor. 

5. Recently became an Introducing Broker for an established Forex trading company based in Manila. 

6. Had a surreal moment with the CEO of the said forex company, when he invited my sister and I, as a token of his gratitude, to one of the poshest clubs--definitely not my scene though. Never did I felt a gnawing sense of loneliness in a roomful of undulating people.

7. Randomly met up with some friends in one day. One from the French Embassy and the other, a renowned photographer/artist who just came back from his exhibitions in Greece and Tbilisi, Georgia. Introduced to said artist, the concept of passive income and financial planning, plus, helped him get a gig with one of my favorite galleries. 

8. Was recently coded as an insurance agent after passing the Insurance Commission exam. I would like to thank my childhood crush for opening other opportunities and diversifying my portfolio. Too bad he's still not breaking up with his boyfriend... *le sigh*

9. Reconnected with my childhood crushes. I can't believe we always have a blast whenever we hang out--I could never have enough "boy" buddies, with whom I could talk about girl stuff or reminisce the good times.

10. Finally following my passion--just taught two cycles of Basic French and Basic German. And more students are enlisting this summer...

11. I've gotten more looks of disbelief whenever I mention my real age. In the club, the bouncer asked if I had an ID. A forex broker/friend was shocked when I mentioned that I've been working for 11 years and when I told him how old I really am.

12. And yes, I celebrated 11 years at my real job. No fireworks really. Next year, I'm in the running for an Oscar award. Get it? "12 Years a Slave". 

13. Someone nominated me on FHM's 2014 Sexiest Women List and I had a really good laugh. 

I might've overlooked some details and I'm too sleepy to put in some of the realizations I had in the past few months. Overall, I'm pretty grateful for everything. Thank you, universe, it's been a great ride so far.

The Phone Call

My cousin rang me up and I knew I had to take this call even if my batt was running low. His words resonated deeply.

"Ate, I want to thank you for making me happy. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have met her. I really hope that you'll be finally happy. With all the selflessness that you're doing, I'm praying that one day, a guy will come to love you and sweep you off your feet. You deserve it. Pray that you could finally let go. Don't chase after ashes. I want you to be happy."

Ad Infinitum

I am humbled. The chance to be able to reach out to polar extremes is rare. Before this year even started, an exclusive interview with the highest ambassador entailed visiting him at his residence. Warmly-welcomed, his wife went out of her way to make my entire team be at ease. It was a most unlikely shoot, but they were more than happy to accommodate. Afterwards, the ambassador spoke about how he could further help my countrymen down south. Those who were gravely affected by the massive storm. At that point, it felt that their relief efforts aren't just about establishing closer ties with my government, it was about reaching out in the gut-level. There was more to diplomacy than a mere doling out of relief or financial aid. Our conversation inspired me all the more to focus and aim for a long-shelved dream, which I hope will finally happen this year. 

And the pendulum swings. 

The beginning of the new year had catapulted me to doubt whether I should leave my job--it was if my officemates were heeding a migratory call to evacuate the building. That morning seemed like another morning when I decided to just frack it and fix whatever bureaucratic filing I had to do for my business. Which I did. 

Took the bus to my next destination. I had to be seated next to a lady with a sleeping toddler in her arms. She didn't budge and I had to take the seat next to the window, in the process, I had to be careful that my huge bag wouldn't hit her or her child. The bus conductor came and charged me for my fare. The lady then turned to me and asked me where she could get off and how could she go to the Heart Center. She then recounted that her daughter had a hole in her heart and she had to take her to the doctor. When we got off at the same stop, I helped her cross the street and shaded her and her toddler with my umbrella as we waited for her bus. It came and she got on. I don't remember hearing her thank me or perhaps she was in a hurry, the wind muffled her voice. 

That same day, I ate lunch at a fast-food joint. Looking out the glass, there was a man who looked like he needed a wash but couldn't. He worked in the parking lot, eking out an existence from the coins given to him. I had to look away while I ate and indulged on the coffee float. When I got out, I gave him my half-emptied drink and he was shocked when I asked him if it was ok that I gave it to him. He couldn't say anything, but took the drink from my hand. I boarded the oncoming bus and from the window, saw his back turned away.

It didn't matter anymore that the people I've helped couldn't thank me back. I helped them without asking for anything in return anyway--it felt good though. It dawned on me, that whatever crap I went through the past year from people I never thought would hurt me, or those whom I've given another chance to redeem themselves but still screwed up and hurt me more--these people and circumstances don't mean anything anymore. Let the universe deal with them. 

There's more to living than hurting others or wanting revenge. Despite everything I went through, I'm still grateful that I'm given the chance to make a difference in other people's lives, no matter how small. Giving up and wanting to die certainly would cause even more pain and hopefully my wounded self would heal and I'd be able to feel again. 

And even if I didn't get thanked, the universe rewarded me that day. I was given a spot as a radio commentator, assigned to be the Executive Producer of the car show I've been dying to launch for ages and I'll be going out twice a week to cover events for the business show. 

It doesn't end there.

One of the nicest gifts I got during my dad's birthday was a hug from our company's corporate secretary and her telling me: "Please don't leave us. There's no one else we could trust."

I cried hard and hugged her tight. From someone who's been hurt and abandoned many times in various forms by different people, it felt good to be wanted. To be considered as family. To be valued. To be asked to stay.

Thank you, universe.

Disappearing Act

Holding back. Holding out.

Retreating into my shell. I'm innocent, but, why am I acting guiltily? That I had done something wrong and I don't want to be seen. Why am I choosing reclusion?

Why am I scared to be in front of the camera again?

They just want me to say a goodbye-thank-you message for being a part of their program, after they conveniently sacked me, but, I couldn't make myself to be all chippy cheery. I can't wish them luck nor thank them for having me for 6 months.

6 grueling months post-breakup.

I forced myself to wake up early for the 4am call-time having slept a good three hours the night before. I would come back home to sleep at 10am then go back to the office around 2pm then slave away until past 10pm.

This would happen quite a lot I've lost count.

Most mornings they'd assign me to go to the farthest places to do the most dangerous or at least most daring stuff just because I could memorize the script in a cinch and I really didn't mind pushing myself to the limit just to get over the pain or the numbness. To feel again. To at least know I'm still alive.

But they don't know this.

It was quite convenient to hide everything behind a smile though I knew my eyes were transparent enough to show the sadness or the emptiness that I felt. This is still my biggest flaw. My face always showed how I felt no matter how hard I try to morph it to show otherwise. Friends who know me too damn well could detect this immediately--it's embarrassing. But that would make another good story...

There were mornings when they would conveniently "forget" to put me on the set despite my efforts to be there early or be at least on time. I felt there was some kind of discrimination happening or some sort of tension between our Executive Producer and my Evening News co-host that it somehow spilled over to me or whatever. Or maybe they saw past my mask. Basta. I was just too much in pain then to even bother to assert myself. I just wanted to pass through my daily existence or have a semblance of a life.

And yes, they just added to the pain that has numbed me beyond repair.

Then it was time to go. They had sacked me after 6 months. The official reason was that both my co-anchor and I were working two shifts: am and pm. It was bound to kill us, sure. Like I cared if I lived or not.

After a while I got used to oversleeping or getting an extra day job to help my family's expenses. I'd come in at 1pm and leave until past 10pm. The routine continued for a year or so until it was time for me to stand up and fight against another oppressive force, who won't stop hitting me with invisible battering rams until I'm finally defeated.

There is nothing left to destroy. My heart is already a wasteland.

Twist of Fate

Can't shake off this sense of foreboding the whole day. I wanted to wean myself out of facebook to avoid toxic memories, but, something drew me to check.

Bingo.

My childhood friend from Malaysia posted a shoutout saying that she lost her ex-lover. I just had to message and comfort her somehow. I thought it was her fiancé who died, turns out, it was her ex-husband who used to sleep around and beat her to a pulp.

She was torn.

She said that she had called him up last October 3. The neighbors noticed a stench and promptly called the police. The body had been rotting for 3-5 days.

I barraged her with questions: "Murder? Heart attack?"

She wasn't sure and is willing to go through the postmortem investigation.

I told her that, somehow, what happened was poetic justice for what she had to go through in the past. The pain and shame she had to endure for love. She agreed. 

"You're finally free," I typed.

"See you next week. Let's pick up my fiancé from the airport. I'm arriving a day ahead and I want you to meet him." 

"Lemme look at my sched," I said though I couldn't pencil it in yet. Well, I want to see how my love advice worked on her. Funny how it works on other people...Talk about letting out my inner Amélie Poulain.

Melihat anda.

Unconditional

Instead of riding the tricycle, I would normally just walk home to clear my mind (and save some moolah, too). One afternoon, I forgot to bring my sunglasses with me and I had to filter out the sun's rays through my fingers. I could remember the little orb peeking through, like a little orange gem. I close my eyes and tried to walk, feeling the pavement underneath.

Unsure of my steps, I open my eyes again and this time, I see a father and his daughter approaching me. She with the big smile as she looks ahead, he with the serene look as he pushes his daughter's wheelchair against the pavement. 

I walk on, grateful that my legs could carry me home.

Passing through the slums. Still a couple of blocks away from my home, I saw the perfect subjects for a picture that I would have taken: two brothers, around the ages of 7 and 5, walking; the older one's arm over the smaller sibling. The younger one with dust-covered cheeks, finally looks up to his older brother as he holds a half-eaten bread in his hands; his eyes glittering as he smiles.

I lose them in the throng. Regretting that I don't have a camera to capture the moment, I freeze it in my memory. I look back and I find them again. The older brother still has his arm over the younger one, with their worn-out flip flops trudging along the cement.

A coin toss between choosing to walk through the small marketplace or through the construction site. I chose the latter. A few paces from the gate, a man was riding a bike with his son sitting in front of him. They pass by a parked car to their right and I could hear the son say, "Papa, let's buy something like that!" as he looked briefly at his reflection on the car's windows. His father could only pedal harder and faster instead of answering.

I finally enter the gate.

Ouch.

On Loneliness

"We suffer a lot in our society from loneliness. So much of our life is an attempt to not be lonely: ‘Let’s talk to each other; let’s do things together so we won’t be lonely.’ And yet inevitably, we are really alone in these human forms. We can pretend; we can entertain each other; but that’s about the best we can do. When it comes to the actual experience of life, we’re very much alone; and to expect anyone else to take away our loneliness is asking too much."

-Ajahn Sumedho 

The Imperfections that Make Life Perfect