Distracted Lucy

Almost a week left before finals. Checking students' essays on geopolitics and history could be tedious especially for a certified grammarnazi. Let me indulge in some temporary albeit superficial mushiness. If only there was someone to make me remember all the things I forced myself to forget. 

Fed Up

I don't know if I'm supposed to be flattered, annoyed or insulted whenever a long-time family friend finally musters his courage to tell me that he had feelings for me some years back.  This had happened too many times I've lost count. Thing is, I feel sorry for their wives. Why the heck are they telling me this when they've been married for a long time and have two or four kids in tow?

Geez. Cut me some slack. Good thing, I never thought of them as anything more than "older brothers", whom I never had, being the eldest. This fact had saved them a lot of awkwardness that they might feel after their confession.

What really bites is this: why do I have to know, only now, after waiting for more than a decade, that the person I had loved back then, really wanted to marry me? Why do I have to learn, just now, that he couldn't fight for me but wanted to and ended up hurting me instead to "save" me from pain? 

Ok, I don't regret my decision of not saying "Yes" when he came back and asked me to marry him. And I'm happy that he finally got married and it was an affirmation that being with him is not the future I wanted. But why am I ranting? 

I'm ranting because of the lost chances. Not just mine but, for all those who were scared and walked away. Those who never tried to fight for me. Damn it. I've seen them all again this weekend and I tried to picture myself, living parallel lives, the what-if-I-ended-up-with-him game in my head which lasted for some seconds, and me finally realizing, deep-down, that even if I had longed to be with someone, it could never have worked with them.

I'm ranting because I have to wait for another chance. I'm impatient, and yet, I'm still too hurt and vulnerable to trust and love again. Aye, this stupid paradox. I'm too sick and tired of waiting, pretending to be strong and acting as if nothing happened. Sick of being told I'm awesome and yet I'm never enough. Sick of always being cheated on or lied to. Sick of being the victim. Sick of always being on the losing end. Sick and tired of always caring and understanding, when no one else even cares to ask if I'm ok. 

Will someone be bold enough to take off my mask and embrace my faults? Either that or I jump off a high tower.

Virtual Bus Ride II

The Sunday before 

the biggest strong hit,

I dreamt of you.

Climbed on the bus,

too full, I had 

to stand up and 

steady myself...

A hand on my waist--

looked at it;

the fingers were all

too familiar

They're yours.

I felt safe.

[Fade to black]

A giant plaza.

We both sat down,

tried to make up
for the lost

time;

The years melted...

wanted to rest my

head on your

shoulder

I wake up.

[Found out that the phone rang at 4am. Was it you?]

Lubitel Love Part 1

"I want to give her a camera for her birthday, but, I don't know which one. There's a couple of vintage ones that I've pegged, could you check them out?"

"Go! Send me the links," I typed.

So, yeah, from what started out as a simple favor of being a messenger for my love-sick ex-classmate, I'm being consulted for the perfect gift. Ok, it's a "going-away" gift, it had to be really special.

The target: our ex-classmate who's now his ex because he was such a douche for letting her go. Two failed relationships and four years later, he's still madly in-love with her. And since I'm such a sucker for love or at least wanted to make up for my own love problem, I felt that I had to help him get her back. Or at least try.

Holga. Nope.

Diana. Nope.

LCA+. Nope.

"Dude, how bout this?"

Kinoflex. Looks promising.

Lubitel. My gut: "Yes yes yes!"

"Dude, get the Lubitel, she'd love that."

"Yeah, I'd want it, too. I'm trying to contact the seller. It's P5,000 and I'm going to bleed. Poverty-levels, man. But it's my going-away present for her so it's worth it."

Fast-forward to Tuesday. It was a hella long day for me. Woke up at past 4am. Went to work at 5am. Got off at past 2pm. Was called back to the office at 5pm for a marathon meeting with the superboss' husband. Got grilled. More work. Translating off-hours. Couldn't do anything except do the bitch's bidding lest she reports me again for petty stuff to finally kick me out. Le sigh. When I'm done she gives me a fake "Thank you." I leave, tears of frustration streaming down my cheeks. Sleep-deprived I still had to meet my ex-classmate at 8.30pm to get the package...

Time space warp.

Past 10pm. McDo. "Dude I owe you," he says. He pays for my dinner. He couldn't eat well as he was thinking about how he's going to wrap the gift. To be honest, I was pretty impressed that he pulled out all the stops. He had to cross the street a couple of times to buy scissors and some polisher/cleaner for the camera. Since he went out, a beggar boy eyed his fries and asked for it. Resigned, he gave it. 

"Dude, this is it! When you give it to her...argh! Allons-y! I just hope she'd like it at least."

"She'll like it for sure. I'm more worried about the fact that she might kill me for this," I said.

"Basta, dude, I owe you. Just tell her "Happy birthday!" You don't have to tell her it's from me."

Sanctity vs. Sanctuary

These words aren't mine but, let the voice of my poetess-friend echo the stirrings of my soul:

"Someone who has experienced a life-altering love, whether the outcome is tragic or otherwise would never violate its sanctity by settling for something less.

If love were so convenient and logical, its value would deteriorate. But some people burn at the stake for love, tear their families apart, build monuments, write entire symphonies and novels, starve to death, forego temptations and transitory desires and all because they have come to know it on a higher level. I have heard about couples who wander aimlessly apart for years only to be reunited after discovering that neither of them has settled for someone else. I have also heard about odd pairings between deaf, blind, mute, crippled and paraplegic lovers--none of which make sense if the goal is merely great sex.

Ultimately love is not about safety, comfort, and shelter or convenience.

Love is truth: the kind that gets shot in a firing squad...The kind that braves the streets on a dark night or journeys through waterless deserts. It is not merely the kind of love found between the sheets or solid four walls but the kind that waits outside, under the rain or the scorching heat. It braves boredom, restlessness and ritual. It often mocks the status quo and no amount of clichés will explain it away.

Love is sacred. It accepts no substitutes for its truth is more haunting than dead words. And because it is sacred it requires sacrifice.

Love waits patiently on eerie shores when the tides are cruel and everyone else is safe, for the heart cannot be taught to love another. For the heart cannot settle for something less."

Love Language

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This video made me remember what my dad told me before: "It's not "I love you because..." but "I love you despite..."

Lately, the pain of loss has been too much to bear. It doesn't mean that when I choose to be silent, I'm just being indifferent or I'm exacting revenge for whatever suffering I endured from whoever has hurt me the most. No. It just means that I'm scared and the fear is eating me up alive.

The unfathomable fear of being hurt again by false promises, by scathing words I don't deserve; I fear being treated unfairly or being cheated on, even when I have never done anything wrong, even when I stayed faithful and my love remained constant. I fear being abandoned again, that I would be rejected once more because of who I am, that my scars would open into newer, deeper wounds. I fear that even if I speak or write, my words will fall on deaf ears. My heart trampled on repeatedly. My memory erased.

And yet, I still hope that someone would be brave enough to reach out and try over and over to save me--even when I have abandoned all hope, even when I fall silent...To tell me that there's no reason to be afraid anymore and that everything will be ok.

Heart Matters

“It may be that you are settled in another place, it may be that you are happy, but the one who took your heart wields final power.” 

― Jeanette Winterson, The Passion (1987)

"I want you to come to me without a past. Those lines you’ve learned, forget them. Forget that you’ve been here before in other bedrooms in other places. Come to me new. Never say you love me until that day when you have proved it."

― Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body (1992)

"Love wounds. There is no love that does not pierce through the hands and feet. Love’s exquisite happiness is also love’s exquisite pain. I do not seek pain but there is pain. I do not seek suffering, but there is suffering. It is better not to flinch, not to try and avoid those things in love’s direction. It is not easy, this love, but only the impossible is worth the effort."

― Jeanette Winterson, The PowerBook (2000)

Virtual Bus Ride

Dreamt two days ago

that you held my hand,

felt that you didn't let go.

Mush

The Cycle of Pain

via tumblr

Note To Self

"Come Away With Me"

via smashmagazine

Let's escape, you and I. Pack your bags and head out to a place we could call our own little paradise. Feel the waves on our feet and watch the sun cast its golden rays onto our darkening silhouettes. Hear the crickets chirp as we gaze at the constellations. Lock me in an embrace and I'll never let you go.

*Come Away With Me

Stop Sending Me Mafia Wars Gifts

...Not that I don't really mind since I no longer play this app. To tell you frankly, I don't care if I level up or if I get more energy packs--these are just cold reminders that you could only remember me, if you do, whenever you need to send gifts to your Mafia friends en masse. Is this what we have become? That our friendship has been reduced to a mere sending of a virtual gift? Whatever happened to our daily chats? Emails? Offlines? 

I miss you. You, who have weathered the ups and downs of our relationship through the years. You, who have written countless letters with little mementos tucked in the envelopes. You, who have promised to be a part of my wedding day. You, who I have considered as a sister. You, who shared my secrets. You, who have chosen to tread a different path.

Your letters are still with me. Treasured. Silent witnesses to our long-distance love.

via mintdesignblog

You + Me = Awesome

Liebeskummer

"Sometimes I find myself hoping you're not real, so you could never break my heart, because right now, you're holding it in your hand."

-Sydney Matter, le 7 octobre 2009

Mapping the Invisible

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