Fed Up

I don't know if I'm supposed to be flattered, annoyed or insulted whenever a long-time family friend finally musters his courage to tell me that he had feelings for me some years back.  This had happened too many times I've lost count. Thing is, I feel sorry for their wives. Why the heck are they telling me this when they've been married for a long time and have two or four kids in tow?

Geez. Cut me some slack. Good thing, I never thought of them as anything more than "older brothers", whom I never had, being the eldest. This fact had saved them a lot of awkwardness that they might feel after their confession.

What really bites is this: why do I have to know, only now, after waiting for more than a decade, that the person I had loved back then, really wanted to marry me? Why do I have to learn, just now, that he couldn't fight for me but wanted to and ended up hurting me instead to "save" me from pain? 

Ok, I don't regret my decision of not saying "Yes" when he came back and asked me to marry him. And I'm happy that he finally got married and it was an affirmation that being with him is not the future I wanted. But why am I ranting? 

I'm ranting because of the lost chances. Not just mine but, for all those who were scared and walked away. Those who never tried to fight for me. Damn it. I've seen them all again this weekend and I tried to picture myself, living parallel lives, the what-if-I-ended-up-with-him game in my head which lasted for some seconds, and me finally realizing, deep-down, that even if I had longed to be with someone, it could never have worked with them.

I'm ranting because I have to wait for another chance. I'm impatient, and yet, I'm still too hurt and vulnerable to trust and love again. Aye, this stupid paradox. I'm too sick and tired of waiting, pretending to be strong and acting as if nothing happened. Sick of being told I'm awesome and yet I'm never enough. Sick of always being cheated on or lied to. Sick of being the victim. Sick of always being on the losing end. Sick and tired of always caring and understanding, when no one else even cares to ask if I'm ok. 

Will someone be bold enough to take off my mask and embrace my faults? Either that or I jump off a high tower.

1Q14

The first part of this year has been pretty amazing and I can't complain with all the blessings coming in and all the awesome experiences jam-packed into just a couple of months.

Stuff that happened in no particular order--just making a random list:

1. Joined the Worldwide Walk for Typhoon Yolanda victims.

2. Accidentally took part in the One Billion Rising just because I had to meet up with my friends documenting the event.

3. Was invited to the private vernissage of my jewelry designer friend and artist. Really proud that her collection is now sold in Europe.

4. Presented a paper on the plight of Filipino sugarcane farmers based on an award-winning literary work in front of my National Artist for Literature professor. 

5. Recently became an Introducing Broker for an established Forex trading company based in Manila. 

6. Had a surreal moment with the CEO of the said forex company, when he invited my sister and I, as a token of his gratitude, to one of the poshest clubs--definitely not my scene though. Never did I felt a gnawing sense of loneliness in a roomful of undulating people.

7. Randomly met up with some friends in one day. One from the French Embassy and the other, a renowned photographer/artist who just came back from his exhibitions in Greece and Tbilisi, Georgia. Introduced to said artist, the concept of passive income and financial planning, plus, helped him get a gig with one of my favorite galleries. 

8. Was recently coded as an insurance agent after passing the Insurance Commission exam. I would like to thank my childhood crush for opening other opportunities and diversifying my portfolio. Too bad he's still not breaking up with his boyfriend... *le sigh*

9. Reconnected with my childhood crushes. I can't believe we always have a blast whenever we hang out--I could never have enough "boy" buddies, with whom I could talk about girl stuff or reminisce the good times.

10. Finally following my passion--just taught two cycles of Basic French and Basic German. And more students are enlisting this summer...

11. I've gotten more looks of disbelief whenever I mention my real age. In the club, the bouncer asked if I had an ID. A forex broker/friend was shocked when I mentioned that I've been working for 11 years and when I told him how old I really am.

12. And yes, I celebrated 11 years at my real job. No fireworks really. Next year, I'm in the running for an Oscar award. Get it? "12 Years a Slave". 

13. Someone nominated me on FHM's 2014 Sexiest Women List and I had a really good laugh. 

I might've overlooked some details and I'm too sleepy to put in some of the realizations I had in the past few months. Overall, I'm pretty grateful for everything. Thank you, universe, it's been a great ride so far.

The Phone Call

My cousin rang me up and I knew I had to take this call even if my batt was running low. His words resonated deeply.

"Ate, I want to thank you for making me happy. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have met her. I really hope that you'll be finally happy. With all the selflessness that you're doing, I'm praying that one day, a guy will come to love you and sweep you off your feet. You deserve it. Pray that you could finally let go. Don't chase after ashes. I want you to be happy."

Ad Perpetuam Memoriam

Attended a concert the other night to watch my blind cousin sing. Before her turn came, there was an old tenor who sang this:

"Lagi Kitang Naaalala"

Lyrics by: Levi Celerio

Music by: Leopoldo Silos

I think of you always

Even if I try 

to forget you

Or forget you were part of

My life

I still dream of you

While I attempt to forget you

It becomes more intense

My love for you

In my heart

is imprinted

Love for you only my beloved

If love is genuine 

and love is true

It will not fade

Even if it brings sorrow

It will never disappear

Lagi kitang naaalala

Kahit na pilitin kong limutin ka.

Nilimot na kita sa aking buhay

Ngunit pangarap din kita.

Habang ikaw ay nililimot

Ay lalong sumisidhi ang pag-irog.

Sa aking puso ay nakalarawan,

pag-ibig mo, lamang.

Kung tunay ang tanging pagmamahal

Ay di mapaparam

Habang nagdudulot ng pighati

Lalong di mapawi.

Lagi kitang naaalala

Kahit na pilitin kong limutin ka.

Sa aking puso ay nakalarawan

pag-ibig mo, hirang.

Pag-ibig ko'y laging ikaw.

****************************************************************************************************

If only there was a way to erase the memories. If only there was a way to stop feeling. I don't want to hurt anymore.

Ad Infinitum

I am humbled. The chance to be able to reach out to polar extremes is rare. Before this year even started, an exclusive interview with the highest ambassador entailed visiting him at his residence. Warmly-welcomed, his wife went out of her way to make my entire team be at ease. It was a most unlikely shoot, but they were more than happy to accommodate. Afterwards, the ambassador spoke about how he could further help my countrymen down south. Those who were gravely affected by the massive storm. At that point, it felt that their relief efforts aren't just about establishing closer ties with my government, it was about reaching out in the gut-level. There was more to diplomacy than a mere doling out of relief or financial aid. Our conversation inspired me all the more to focus and aim for a long-shelved dream, which I hope will finally happen this year. 

And the pendulum swings. 

The beginning of the new year had catapulted me to doubt whether I should leave my job--it was if my officemates were heeding a migratory call to evacuate the building. That morning seemed like another morning when I decided to just frack it and fix whatever bureaucratic filing I had to do for my business. Which I did. 

Took the bus to my next destination. I had to be seated next to a lady with a sleeping toddler in her arms. She didn't budge and I had to take the seat next to the window, in the process, I had to be careful that my huge bag wouldn't hit her or her child. The bus conductor came and charged me for my fare. The lady then turned to me and asked me where she could get off and how could she go to the Heart Center. She then recounted that her daughter had a hole in her heart and she had to take her to the doctor. When we got off at the same stop, I helped her cross the street and shaded her and her toddler with my umbrella as we waited for her bus. It came and she got on. I don't remember hearing her thank me or perhaps she was in a hurry, the wind muffled her voice. 

That same day, I ate lunch at a fast-food joint. Looking out the glass, there was a man who looked like he needed a wash but couldn't. He worked in the parking lot, eking out an existence from the coins given to him. I had to look away while I ate and indulged on the coffee float. When I got out, I gave him my half-emptied drink and he was shocked when I asked him if it was ok that I gave it to him. He couldn't say anything, but took the drink from my hand. I boarded the oncoming bus and from the window, saw his back turned away.

It didn't matter anymore that the people I've helped couldn't thank me back. I helped them without asking for anything in return anyway--it felt good though. It dawned on me, that whatever crap I went through the past year from people I never thought would hurt me, or those whom I've given another chance to redeem themselves but still screwed up and hurt me more--these people and circumstances don't mean anything anymore. Let the universe deal with them. 

There's more to living than hurting others or wanting revenge. Despite everything I went through, I'm still grateful that I'm given the chance to make a difference in other people's lives, no matter how small. Giving up and wanting to die certainly would cause even more pain and hopefully my wounded self would heal and I'd be able to feel again. 

And even if I didn't get thanked, the universe rewarded me that day. I was given a spot as a radio commentator, assigned to be the Executive Producer of the car show I've been dying to launch for ages and I'll be going out twice a week to cover events for the business show. 

It doesn't end there.

One of the nicest gifts I got during my dad's birthday was a hug from our company's corporate secretary and her telling me: "Please don't leave us. There's no one else we could trust."

I cried hard and hugged her tight. From someone who's been hurt and abandoned many times in various forms by different people, it felt good to be wanted. To be considered as family. To be valued. To be asked to stay.

Thank you, universe.

Affirmation

And when I thought that my day is ruined, that all hope is gone--comes an unexpected answer:

"One percent is what's important."

사랑해요

HTML. Java. Haskell.

Diplomacy. Scientific translation. 

Numbers. Stocks. 

Speaking in tongues.

Korean is love.